07 12 / 2010
… Unless of course there is no light to begin with…. then it’s just rage….
I am about to rant. Just a warning.
I am so so so angry. I want badly to write about it, I want badly for other people to read it and say, ‘Yes!’ and agree with me and get angry, too, and maybe take up some sort of cause against life not being fair and against the existence of insipid, volatile people who are not a contribution to society, but rather a detraction from it.
Due to the circumstances, it’s probably best that I keep my mouth, and blog, shut. But I am so so angry.
I am profoundly lucky. In my divorce, although things were not necessarily good between my ex & I, we were able to keep that apart from our relationships with our son. My issue was with our marriage, not the relationship that my ex has with my son. He’s a great dad. Not always a perfect dad, but a great dad. I know there were times where I wanted to do it. Snatch my son up and tell my ex ‘no’. To fight with everything that I had so that I got things the way I wanted. I was angry. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel hurt. I knew exactly how I could do that. I got close. I think he probably did too. The fights weren’t pretty, and a few threats were thrown, but when all was said and done, my son’s world was kept as unshaken as possible given the situation. My desire to hurt my ex came from my anger at him, my own feelings, and it had nothing to do with my son. My son didn’t ask to be thrown into this situation. He didn’t choose his parents. We brought him into this world in such a cavalier way, I owed it to him to make sure that, as things got sorted out, he stayed as unhurt as possible. There’s damage, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think children come out of divorce unscathed. I do believe that the degree of damage has everything to do with the parents, and their ability to put their children first. I am lucky that my ex and I were, at least, able to agree on that. (My ex will argue that the very act of divorce is the opposite of putting your children first. I don’t disagree with him, but we also did not see eye to eye on how this applied to our relationship…) (Why are things always so complicated?)
I am astounded at the number of people who don’t get this, or don’t care. Who see their children as an amount of child support. As a way to get back at someone, to make them pay. A way to hurt them because for some reason they can’t seem to separate the children from their own hurt feelings. I don’t understand how people can lie about another person so that it might make things better for them. So that it might play to their advantage. People who do these things in front of their children, and then rationalize their behavior. Blame it on the other person, refuse to see or deal with the consequences of their own actions. Shame on you. You have no idea how much you are damaging your children. It’s a pity, really, because you will see it, but it won’t be until they’re sixteen, and hurting, and angry, and have no idea how to deal with it because you didn’t show them how. Instead you made excuses, gave everyone but yourself responsibility for the situation and completed ignored what you were doing to your kids in the process. Not only that, your children will eventually see what’s real. They’ll see you for who you are. What an epiphany you are setting them up for. This is wrong.
I think it even goes further than, ‘I don’t understand’, and maybe extends into, ‘I cannot conceptually conceive of how…’ People who use other people make me angry. I pity those who only know how to use people, who don’t understand love, or trust, or connection, because their own lives are so badly damaged. Here’s the thing. Just because your kids are living a better life than the one you had, doesn’t mean that the life you’re giving them is good. Doesn’t mean you aren’t damaging them. Just because you don’t hit them the way you got hit, doesn’t mean that you threatening to hit them is any less damaging. A world that is inconsistent, abrupt, disorganized, and filled with conflict is damage enough.
People who wear religion, wear God, on their sleeve piss me off. There are, I know, genuinely goodhearted people who are a part of religious organizations. They are the ones you think of when you think about going to church and becoming part of a religious community and communing with God. They are also the people that other people prey on. They are the easiest target for someone who uses people. People who are goodhearted don’t think before reaching out to help someone, and being good association, giving what they have for someone in need. People who wear God on their sleeve because they know it allows them into a community of people they can take advantage of are the very people who don’t deserve to be a part of that community. But they take anyway. They use their situation and their children to draw sympathy. They can post on Facebook all day long about how good God is, how wonderful going to church is, how blessed they are, how powerful prayer is, but what they’re doing is assigning a label to themselves. And doing it so outwardly because, were anyone to look inward at them, they would see the opposite. They would see a liar. They would see emptiness. A vacuum. They would see the opposite of light.